To celebrate this blog's 1st birthday, I changed the blogskin of this blog to reflect a new feel...
The theme is Solitude... which I feel I'm destined to live with...
Being alone ain't a bad thing... for one, lonely people climb to the summit the easiest... and the most powerful and successful people are usually loners... I want to be successful, I want to be big... and if it comes along with solitude, I'll take it...
- Phil -
I find the lyrics to this song best describe how I feel during this period of time....
Simple Plan - Untitled --------------------------
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light.
I can't remember how,
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No, I can't stand the pain.
Chorus:
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away,
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me.
Everybody's screaming,
I try to make a sound but nobody hears me.
I'm slipping off the edge,
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again.
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened.
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
Chorus:
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away,
I'm sick of this life.
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me.
- Phil -
This is my 1st entry for August... been really busy of late... tired after work...
Life in Petredec's been good. Work's starting to get a wee bit easier now that I'm done with the tough bits of reconciling the creditors, now about the only job I'm doing is archiving the old documents and of course, helping my boss reconciling her Management Reports. My contract ends in around 11 days' time, which is 31 August. Gonna miss this department somehow... with really nice and patient colleagues, though they're all married ladies with children and that makes conversations a bit off because I'm still a young lad, but well... I have Xinran (she's also a temp staff studying in SIM too) to chat over Yahoo with when I feel sleepy during work, disturbing her and gossipping about our bosses, as well as Powell... (The new PermStaff that I was supposed to "warm up his seat for").. he's also a Gundam fan, thus we trade lotsa info on where to find nice Gundam models... I'm sure to keep in contact with them after my time at Petredec ends.
Next up will be my social life... Thanks to the National Day Carnival, I got chances to catch up with my "Gang of Brothers" often... and also hanging around with Jinrong and Marcus more often too... But I'm starting to feel empty... I questioned the point of clubbing and chionging every weekend and getting ourselves drunk silly... is it worth it? But I guess this is 1 way of letting go and a chance to bond with close friends like Marcus and Jinrong. I'll much prefer the simple "chill-out"... instead of places like dbl O which are more like clubs... Maybe I'm growing to mellow down at last... but I don't know... still lotsa thoughts running inside of me...
I feel I'm losing my identity... my true purpose in life. I agree with my Dad that he thinks I'm lost in life... and beckoned me to go back to Church again... I don't know... I am lost in life, but I don't want to go back without achieving anything... My dad told me to put down my pride and just go back for He'll mend them... but to me... I guess I ain't ready for that... I feel I still wanna fight on for myself and find out...
I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore... Studies? Initial D? Achieving something in life? Studies are a must, but unless I get my entire life sorted out in order... studies will only bog me down further... As for IDAS, I'm getting weary with competition and a need to maintain my reputation... I'm known in the circle as a level-headed and rational person who enjoys some form of respect in the game... but I have another side to my gaming life that not many in the circle knows of, and Marcus, Jinrong and Alan... even to a certain extent Yimei, has seen my uglier side when I lose rationality and self control... and obsession in fighting to restore my lost pride... I'm not playing the game as much as before... and I'm seriously thinking of stepping down as Coordinator of F.R.E.E. as soon as possible... But my job is not done yet... I want to strengthen the Team considerably before calling it quits at the end of this year, and I already have a few ideas on my own... but the Team, being very dependent on my decision making... has to help me... or I'll drown under the pressure... I want to leave on a high.. and I'll do it no matter what...
This month is also a month of birthdays, which Shizhen, Yimei celebrated their birthdays... Well... for Shizhen, I don't have the chance to buy her a good meal... but probably I'll make up for it soon when my time's freed up after my contract ends. As for Yimei, I don't know... maybe as a friend, I'll get her something nice for her birthday...
A quote from 1 of my favourite anime series... "What you can do, and what you wish for... You should know that the best yourself..." But can I do it??
- Phil -
