For those who are reading this blog, I hope you will NOT divulge any contents in this blog to anybody else... I am very serious about this as the contents inside this blog can potentially end friendships and invoke a lot of problems for everybody. I seek your understanding to just not mention about the blog's existance... or I shall be forced to take the hard step by ending and deleting the blog to protect my own interests as well as the people mentioned in here...
- Phil -
I think I'm very much turning into some loner again... I just found it hard to reintegrate with everybody back in school again... As you guys would have known from my previous entry, I'm distancing myself from them...
Of the entire group, I think I'm only talking quite a bit to Liangmin, Ziming and Lisheng... The rest?? I seldom talk to them already... I think Joalin, Sam, KP, Cheryl has sensed it somehow but they just chose to keep mum about it I guess? As for Joel and Deborah, we never talked anymore... they're closer to her as they're studying together... I suppose Deborah would blame me for the event of things turning out this way... after all, women would usually stand by one another... Even when bumping into other friends, I don't go up and chat with them anymore... I just keep mum and hide away... During lecture breaks, I'm very much my own man... hardly join the group anymore... Probably that's the true me after all... being very much my own man, as how I survived in Primary & Secondary School, OI (now MI) and NS this way...
Today, "she" tried to say hi and wave to me as I walked by the group but I just chose to ignore... and walked away without even greeting my friends... My heart's hard now... no more softie anymore...
Lately, I've started to think back... and my mind drifted to Valentine's Day; the day me and "her" got hitched... the memories we shared and the events that has happened... I'm very confused, maybe Fio's right... I can't let go... I still keep her pictures in my comp, and I do view them every now and then while my family's asleep... The hurt comes flooding back and it's so hard to bear... What will I do for this year's Valentine's Day? Probably I'll be up at the Changi runway, the same spot "she" and I got hitched, watching planes fly by in the middle of the night... or out with another gal for dinner and movies?? I wouldn't know...
Probably I'm destined to lead a loner's life...
- Phil -
Well, I think this entry's for me, Jinrong, Marcus and Wilson. This term's coined from a routine conversation I had with Wilson earlier. Taiwan has F4 (Flower 4), a quarlet of long haired hunks wearing flowery shirts.... In our case, we're the "Fucked-up 4", a quarlet of young guys leading fucked up lives...
Jinrong apparently has problems on his own, which many close friends should know by now... relationship problems... I have absolutely no idea how to help him get out of it given my own problems... But I think I can share a bit by being his company in Initial D and our frequent JLC pub outings... But this is not a long term solution; he's got to move on... I really don't know how, especially when the female interest concerned is a good buddy of mine... I guess I can only just be his company ba.... but seeing him splurging on vodkas and Lambourghinis and playing Initial D week in week out... it just saddens me...
Marcus?? That bloody joker leads a screwed up relationship life... apparently the knots in his relationship has yet to be untied for the past few years... I don't know whether he's actually going to move on or is he going to ask her back... He's fagging with me and Jinrong like no man's land... But at least he has a stable social life... but I feel his nightlife needs some toning down... especially with the JLC thing... but well.. he's still in NS... so probably can be forgiven for that... but I think he should prepare for life after NS instead of gallavanting... Well, he still brands me as a mindless sex machine in front of practically everybody (which is something I dislike a lot but chose to keep mum..), I can never forget how he helped me get out of the mess I landed just over a month ago...
Wilson?? Of us 4, he leads the most stable life, a relatively high paying job in MHA and a good social life... but he has problems on his own; paying off his loans... and probably getting over his ended relationship with my buddy over a year ago... Well, but of us 4, he's also the least "fucked-up"... and that is some good news... I also appreciate his timely advices to me... and of course the way he lightens up moods...
As for me?? I'm facing a motivational problem on top of nursing a failed relationship myself... I'm no longer motivated to study, and thus this will probably be my final year as a full time student in SIM.. taking a year off to find work and regain myself... in the meantime, I just can't seem to gear myself up to study... As for studying pals, I can no longer study with them anymore given that that woman's studying with them when she has her own pals to study with... and she EVEN has the cheek to tell my friends that she still wished to remain friends with me and that my group of friends should not leave me out of the group....
She should know better that I'll choose to distance myself from the group... and there's virtually NO WAY I'll even want to remain as friends with her!!! I HATE HER for the pain she's caused me... I HATE HER for dashing my dreams and hopes... I HATE HER for turning everything upside down for me... I HATE HER for me not being able to raise my head in front of friends again... I HATE HER for forcing me to end the relationship in an ugly way... I doubt many will understand that hurt when you have to choose to end a relationship which you have put in a lot of effort into maintaining, a lot of love into making it better... and to top it off... end it in the most ugly way... right now... I feel ruined... very low in motivation and morale... very low in confidence in everything and myself... and with my doomsday drawing nearer... I suppose that is my destiny??
- Phil -
Just feeling a bit confused and apprehensive about moving on to another relationship, so I thought I can dissect my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps I can find an answer this way...
I don't know.... but I could be suffering from this symptom named sex-orexia... Meaning to starve myself deliberately from engaging in sexual relationships... It's a bit like anorexia; anorexia is deliberately starving off food...
In anorexia, the sufferer craves for food, but faces the dilemma of choosing to be indulged in food or being guilty of having too much food (having too much food gains weight..) . Occasionally, the suffere succumbs to the occasional food binge. In sex-orexia, the sufferer craves for lots of sex, but faces the dilemma of choosing to be indulged in lotsa of sex or being guilty towards the other party for sex... Occasionally, that need for sex is satisfied through one-night stands and flings...
Maybe that's why I'm staying off relationships, for fear of the turn of relationship towards a sexual nature. My past few relationships, particularly Meiru's has seen the relationship turn for the worse after things got pretty sexual... It's especially evident with Shuwen's case... the sexual bit of the relationship made the breakup more complicated and protracted... I'm kinda put off by all these, I don't know how to go into a serious relationship again... Maybe a fling or a ONS is not that hard, but when a serious relationship is concerned... I fear the same events happening again. That is why I think I find it hard to move on after the episode with Shuwen.. I fear hurting gals again...
- Phil -
