Well, good news... I'm the only man (or boy) left in the F4... Jinrong got attached to Viki, Marcus & Joelle, and Wilson with Sufen (Her name correct??).. As predicted... I'm the last man standing... and I'll keep it this way...
Best wishes to Jinrong and Viki for being the latest couple... and may you two stay happy always...
That piece of good news aside, I've been on a little low of late... been feeling aimless and empty of late... but that may just be a little figment in my mind I guess. I'll get by those soon...
Something Denise told me about that pricked me.... It's about the Nightmare gal... it seems that she still bears hopes that she can get back with me... and she has asked Denise about me and has asked about the possibility of getting back with her again. My answer is simple... it is impossible... given everything that has happened, and given the "no future" outlook, there is no chance of that happening. Although the idea of getting hitched to another gal may just kill off her hopes, but I think I have to be fair to everybody... that I will not rush into a relationship just to kill off the hopes that gal carried. I am not as panicky as before, and I will remain calm and face the situation, as how the Phillip of old has done... and I am clear about what I want in life; my degree, my job, my family well being and my friends...
Another issue to get off my chest will be the issue with that certain somebody. She remains a special friend of mine, no matter what happens. I have read the email you wrote in response to mine, and I just wanna say... I see no point pointing fingers at anybody. I appreciate your help, but it came at a wrong time, and given my style of doing things... I think I will rather do without this kind gesture. That is all I can say.... Let time heal this wound in our friendship ba...
Well, with the issues off my chest... it's now looking forward...
In IDAS, I have decided to make the Honda S2000 my final car to tune before I retire from this game. It is not an easy car to master, but I'll do it somehow... My past reputations as the Team Leader of F.R.E.E. , Tsuchisaka Inbound Specialist, RX-8 Specialist... I intend to leave them all behind... and add the S2000 Specialist into the equation. I think with my imminent graduation, it's time I call my gaming life quits...
As for this coming weekend, I expect to find myself out of programmes... I better start planning for myself yea... now that the other 3 are hitched... It's likely I'll spend the weekend at the arcades, or drinking at pubs alone... or if I go lucky, at Borders reading...
- Phil -
Will a break help a broke and broken man? I suppose is a "no"...
Not been a good week, even though the week's been interrupted by holidays in Deepavali and Hari Raya...
Firstly, I got into a car accident whilst doing a 3 point turn and scrapping the rear bumper of the car... setting me back close to 150 bucks for spray paint repairs. That kinda left me broke for the coming days... Thanks to Jinrong for trying to help me out financially, but I think I'll try to find a way out of this. From this incident, I also saw a different side to a person whom I cherish a lot... to be honest, I was upset and disappointed... but I shall not dwell in this...
Next is my Study Loan, no news as yet... I hope it isn't rejected again... I'll face a lot of problems to continue schooling if this application gets rejected again... as I have already busted quite a few deadlines for payments...
Though there were some nice times, like Zouk on the Night before the Hari Raya... It was very happening and packed, getting to club along my close buddies like Jinrong and Marcus, and being with friends like Jean, Cindy and Fernie... It was all fun all night... as well as the drinking session the Friday before... never felt so high on drinks before... never felt so relieved from troubles before...
As well as the down times when I have to resort to using a punching machine in the games arcade to help ease my tensions... and frustrations...
I don't know, but personally I think I'm seeing my life spiral out of control. Even as I'm typing this, I overheard my mum talking to my dad about taking me to a psychiatrist... Am I nuts?? Maybe I am...
I'm now somebody who gets agitated easily... somebody who is overly sensitive, somebody who is panaroid, somebody who takes minor issues very seriously... I don't think I just need anger management classes, I may need more than that... And in this period of time when I'm in such a state, where are my siblings? So far, Marcus and Jinrong are around for me... and I really appreciated their presence during my lows... but it also speaks a lot about my siblings, the very 2 who shares the same bloodline as me...
I have no intention to verbally bash my siblings here... but it somehow makes me begin to rethink my worth to the family. The pressure in me is enormous... and sometimes I do feel suicidal in a bid to get out of it.... is the much dreaded depression coming back again???
Even in F.R.E.E., I'm beginning to question my worth to the Team, and that is partially the reason why I have decided to relinquish my leadership next month. But then again, F.R.E.E. is probably the only positive yet tangible thing that I have made all possible for the entire 2005. IDAS may probably be my only solace from pressures and harsh realities of life... by giving up IDAS, I hope I'm not contributing to my own downfall...
Now you know the reasons why I'm not looking... I am personally a problem laden man... and I absolutely hate to make my problem other people's problems (Marcus and Jinrong can testify to that..). This is what I define as... not ready... I feel it is absolutely unfair for the other party to inherit my problems when she has her own problems... And given that my problem is potentially dangerous and long term... I suppose I'll stay single for a long time to come...
- Phil -
