Just feeling mixed up and confused within myself... thus my decision to begin blogging...
Firstly, the studies front... Still bothered by the Study Loan issue... but it's under processing now, hopefully it gets through in time to meet the deadline and thus settle the financial aspects of my studies. After hearing from everybody, I think I've decided to make this year my final year for my studies... to aim to graduate this year, and so I'll work hard to clear all my subjects and graduate... once I get my Loan Matters sorted out...
Next will be on friends... I'm happy for Marcus and Bangli for finally getting together... and also to Albert and Angel for the same reasons... but that will mean that the circle of friendship will mutate into a different matter altogether. Marcus is finally out of the "F-4", and with Wilson soon to follow... only Jinrong and me are left...
To be really honest, the outing last Saturday showed that the close knitted-ness in this circle of friends is starting to fade... Jinrong and I actually wanted to go dbl O on our own, but we made a U-turn last minute and joined them there... At the club, I hardly got chances to be hanging around them... 1 was awkwardness, the other being that I suddenly felt distant... so Jinrong and I hung around at the dancefloor babe-watching... A few pretty sights though, the most notable being 1 of the gals at the club pulled down her Jeans to reveal her entire butt and her white G-string to her watching male friends... As I was close to them, I saw everything... I guess Jolin and Jinrong saw it too... Well... there were also chances of Jinrong and me picking up some gals as there were a few gals looking at our direction frequently and trying to dance closer to us... but yea, we gave them a miss... Apparently Jolin was not in the best of moods too because of BGR problems... well, tried to cheer her and Jinrong up too...
The nite ended with a trip to Mt. Elizabeth Hospital as Angel had an asthma attack... fortunately, she was able to be discharged shortly... God bless... and after that, Jinrong and I went home...
Monday was school day again, but I decided to play a little truant and went to Jurong Point for my IDAS dosages.... going to school after that for lessons... which brings me to my IDAS side of life...
F.R.E.E's upcoming games are not going to be the least easy... and with the holidays, means we can expect a heavy schedule... but I suppose I'm ready for them... and after these avalanche of games, I'll step down as their Chief Coordinator and return to studies full time... My gaming profile is getting a bit unnerving, as I am a watched man in TPY Zone-X... and even in Jurong Point, I also have difficulty picking up challengers... Maybe it's not good to be a high profile player after all... It's getting boring...
Back to my inner self feelings... just feeling empty... as usual... lonely and aimless... but I asked for it didn't I? I swore by not getting involved romantically... but the other side of me seems to suggest otherwise... I intend to stick by my words and not "leave Jinrong behind.." I also promised myself to steer clear of flings or actions that can possibly send the wrong signals to gals... but can I differentiate whether I truly like the gal or whether it's just a crush?? This remains a question ba... I have met a few gals that I think and feel that are "more to what I am looking for...", but self-esteem and my stubbornness ruled in the end...
Either way, I'm sure you guys are guessing why I decided to name this entry as such... because of my life... best described by puddles of water... a mess... and even a minor drop or a gentle blow of the wind can aggravate this problem...
Enough said... I'm damn affected now... Logging off...
- Phil -
Well.... many things have happened of late during these past few weeks.... I don't know if these incidents are a sign to me, but I feel disturbed by these events happening...
On a dark and stormy night... I went jogging with this particular lady in the middle of a pouring rain... Well, the jog didn't last... we're stuck at a bus stop soon after we left as the rain was too heavy to continue the jog... Oh well, just chatted... until the rain began to die down an hour later... Then I saw her home..
On the way back, I saw this kitten stuck in the drain... I tried to throw it a cardboard so that it would have more ground to stand on... and I saw her home 1st.... after which I went back to the drain to pick up that kitten... and somewhat my mind drifted to Yimei and her love for cats... The drain was pretty deep though... but well... I got it out... and I carried it back to the bus-stop... To be honest, it wasn't anything worth remembering... but that night is sure a night to remember... though cold and wet... but it sure left a deep impression in me...
Steph, I know you're reading this... thanks for the night... and apologies for that stupid idea...
The next incident that struck me deep was last night... I defied my Mum's instructions to be home early and promptly joined Marcus and Jinrong at dbl O (again... as usual...) Bumped into Ting Guan there, as well as Jolin, Angel and Joelle...
I knew there were some unhappy souls in Jolin and Angel there already... but nothing could strike me harder... Apparently, Angel was upset that she got "sanctioned" of her spending and cars by her Dad... I tried to understand that also... unless she asked me the "million dollar question"....
I am taken aback... it struck me hard... I was damn affected... I don't even have her kinda spending power... I wished I have the million dollars, then my problems with my study loan application will go away.... then I can fully focus on my studies instead of worrying about the loans day in day out... I also saw the horrible images of myself from her, that I actually took my family's financing of my education, and my living expenses for granted...
I am never close to my siblings because of the favouritism "culture" that plagues the youngest of each family... Is it my choice to be pampered and loved? I am trying very hard to not be pampered... I buy my excesses using my own hard-earned money... I don't even ask money from my parents "just to shop or enjoy..." It's not that I don't want to contribute to the family, but what I can do is utterly limited... and a sad fact that plagues my family... "Money = Power"... Money talks... now my close friends will know why I'm obsessed with success... I want power, I want pride... and if money is going to get my pride and power, I'll get the money...
I have to apologise to everybody else for my cold and aloof attitude because I was very affected by Angel's revelations... I wanted to retort back at her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings with my "humble opinion"... and of course, I treat her as a friend also... In the end, I couldn't take all those anymore and I decided to go back home...
It isn't anybody's fault to have a rich or poor Dad, but it's how you appreciate what your Dad has done for you that matters a lot more.... Which is why I'm even more determined and obsessed with success... failure is not an option for me... I want my one million dollars... I want my sports cars.... I want my mansion... I want everything.... that I can possibly earn by hook or by crook...
- Phil -
