Don't know why, just feeling empty of late... This entire month has passed me by in a flash...
Exams are coming and I'm only on 3rd gear... while many of my other friends are already in top gear... I believe I won't come out of this coming exams without "tar bao"ing a module or two... But my priority is to clear my repeat unit (Maths), my strongest Accounting & Finance and my major Banking Ops & Risk Analysis. The remaining 2... I'm more confident in IFM only... I plan to give up on marketing if it becomes too much for me to handle...
Still indulging in my private life.... still playing Initial D weekly with Marcus and Jinrong as a means to destressing.... and maybe to find some satisfaction in my life that I can be proud of... since my pride was shattered a few months back... I'm beginning to catch on to the fact that even if I'm the best Initial D player in Singapore, what satisfaction does it bring me? I'm already the time record holder for playing Tsuchizaka Inbound in Marina Square, both dry and wet conditions. But still feel that there's something missing in my life...
This past month, been going to church almost weekly with Karen... and once with my parents... I'm beginning to regain that faith...only to lose it all again... Why ain't I getting my faith right again? Why am I backsliding again? Today, I declined Karen's invitation to go to church because I'm in the doldrums already... I don't know why...
Relationships wise... I'm beginning to regret letting Shuwen go... I tried my darndest not to remember her name, trying my best to forget her numbers... to forget the memories... the sadness... but once Marcus mentions her name.. it all comes flooding back... I'm torn between love and hate... I don't even know if I still hate her for what she did to me or not... and it certainly has prevented me from moving on in life.
After her... I haven't really gone out with any gal other than Karen, and yea.. she's a nice gal... friendly and easy to talk to... and she reminds me very much of Meiru in terms of personality and character... whom I regretted letting go in the past... to be brutally honest, I have considered possibilities of moving on with her... but the old wounds remain... I dare not venture into another relationship anymore... and that is the reason why I chose to distance myself from her... especially after Ziming and Edmund have sensed something fishy between me and her... I still remember that once when I told her I missed her... to be honest, I really meant it... but I just cannot admit I said that, I fear the chain effects that'll come in... and end up hurting everybody again... I'm just not ready for anything... and rather to let those feelings show... I rather avoid her and let things die naturally... I'm sorry but it's for the best interests of our friendship that I do this...
Right now... I'm spent... So what if I'm the Logistics Officer of the SIM Galacticos Floorball Club... So what if I'm the Leader/Coordinator of F.R.E.E. ... So what if I'm successful everywhere? I think I've flopped in life... lost, spent, tired, hurt... Where's my calling??
- Phil -
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home