Yeah, so I'm a fucking sore loser!!! What are you gonna do about it??
Winning and losing is becoming more and more important to me now. I've lost way too many things in the past, way too many times. I hardly have won anything, rather nothing to cheer about... especially in recent years...
These few years have been humuliating for me. Firstly, I had the opportunity to go to OCS, and though I gave up during the final month, they could still have transferred me to another Officer course. Instead, I had to suffer the indignity of dropping to be a Specialist. That was 1 of the biggest humuliation in my life... getting "marked" throughout my NS life... only known as "the Officer Cadet dropout"... I never regained my pride ever since... Fuck SISPEC's With Pride We Lead... My Pride was lost the day I had my chevrons on...
Next, was my biggest humuliation with this bitch... I thought I had the world when I got together with her.... but her actions made me lose my pride, my confidence, and my control in my life in front of everybody.... I felt the shame when I had to depend on my friends to help me out of tight situations.... I felt the hard slap on my face when I had to depend on my parents to help me.... and I never recovered....
Next, my studies.... Why can't I be good in Maths like anybody else??? It's a huge shame to see a 16 year old being able to do what I took years to try to master... simple integration and differentiation... I HAD ENOUGH!!!! I don't wanna lose anymore.... I don't wanna be a loser!!! I wanna WIN!!! I wanna show people I'm good at something... but apparently I'm a good for nothing... I want to be at the top of my "trade" for something....
To me, I take everything I do seriously and strive to do my best in all of them, even friendly games... I cannot accept sub-standard performances from myself, even if I play badly and win... If I perform above my expectations yet lose, I'll be satisfied... But to be honest, winning is everything to me now... I need a lot of work to rebuild my shattered pride... and I'll stop at nothing to achieve the goals that I want...
To all my friends.... To me, winning is everything in this world now... I want to be the best and I will use whatever means to achieve that, no matter how low-down or unorthodox... Whether it's in Initial D, in pool, or studies, or any other thing... I WILL NEVER settle for second best... ONLY the best will do for me...
-Phil-
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