Feeling low and depressed again... I just don't know how to move on in my life anymore...
Yesterday was my SIM classmate Deborah's birthday. Met up with many of my SIM pals, including Edmund and Guang Ping... and of course a simple birthday session and some fun and games to go along with it courtesy of her boyfriend and our good pal Joel... so stayed with Samuel, Pearle, Liangmin to play Mahjong... and yeah... though I lost the 1st round, the 2nd round saw me recoup all my losses and turn them into gains... But my mind is not about the Mahjong game, it's about what Guang Ping said about me... that I have a weird train of thought, and how I seem to do things the opposite way that I say... He felt that I need to change the way I think to be more sensitive towards how others think. Wee Lea was more specific in saying that my spontanelity has something to do with my train of thought running haywire... Maybe so... But I want to do what my heart tells me to... I don't want to think anymore... I just don't want to regret what I'm doing... Maybe this is affecting my rationality towards doing things, even playing Mahjong... It's probably true, I'm becoming irrational in what I do these days... I've become emotional, withdrawn, and averse towards meeting new people...
Today's outing with Marcus, Alan and Jinrong confirmed that... Marcus asked along 2 gals which apparently didn't like me right from the start... I'm fine with it... I don't think I'm snobbish, but if that's the way they're gonna see me as, then so be it... Had a chat with Marcus on the bus ride home earlier... The way I play my Intial D game... the way I carried myself when I fail to achieve my goals... Nobody understands why I've changed to become like that... Nobody even cares!!! I was not like that in the past, I used to take things cool and easy and smile n laugh, but why now I'm unable to do so? Why am I taking every minor detail hard? I don't even understand myself... Maybe I'm becoming what Marcus has feared, a schizophrenic.. am I suffering from schizophrenia??
But even then, who cares a damn about me? Not even my siblings will bother... let alone my friends, and everybody close to me... To put it simply, I trust nobody... and nobody understands how I think and feel... Forget it... just leave me alone... I'm better off alone... and not be liabilities to anybody else... let me live life the way I want, and let me suffer the consequences of my own actions... The world still goes on without me...
- Phil -
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