A Sunday morning, after some heavy drinking at Dbl O last night.
I got my paycheck yesterday after 4 weeks of slogging at Petredec, and I am going into the last month of my contract after agreeing to their proposal to extend my contract for 1 more month. For now, I'll be handling the creditor reconcilation aspect for this company until the last day of August. Just wanna say that I am happy working in Petredec, my boss, my mentors were nice ladies... and I learnt a lot from them, and it's a good thing that I'm not the only guy in the Accounts department finally, with a new permstaff joining us 2 weeks ago. Thus the nickname my department gave me "Ah Boy" is gone...
Either way, although work has been smooth, I suffered at all other aspects of my life.
In floorball, I have withdrew from the Div 2 squad in SIM Blacks. I thought long and hard about this issue, questioned myself many times and asked for honest opinions from Guang Ping, Edmund and Azman. I finally made up my mind to pull out from the squad due to my inability to control my temperament. I don't wanna be seen as a liability, and also that I feel underappreciated in the Team. I don't seem to be getting the recognition I feel I should be getting. Although I have my bad games, but when I seem to play well... I get overlooked... it could be that either the team feels I ain't contributing despite playing well, or that they simply think I am a much better player by standard and still a underperformer. I don't deny that I can always improve on my game, but I feel I deserve some recognition for my performances, and not rub it in with "You did well..." even when I'm really not playing well by my own standards. The team feels I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform, but if I don't pressure myself to perform, I will NEVER perform. Sometimes, I feel I am playing above myself but as a goalkeeper, I never got the recognition that my rival goalkeeper is getting despite him having his off-days. But no hard feelings, I still will train with them, I just will not play for them competitively. Even though I'm still technically a "registered player" but I ruled out myself for the Div 2.
Next is Initial D, although I have some improvements from my previous games, but I'm still a sitting duck at challenges. The team defeat to TRF gutted me... I felt we were the better team... but I'm already planning for revenge. Although we had a subsequent friendly against 1 of Singapore's top Teams NY3OC, which we lost (as expected..), there was a lot of positive things coming out from this game. I didn't say I played well, but I gave their representative a tough time. Maybe I seemingly play better when I'm more relaxed... As for F.R.E.E. now, I will be stepping down as their coordinator soon, but after I set out to complete my personal quest of a National course record. I'm 3 seconds away from it and I feel I can pull it off. After all, I managed to slash off 23 seconds in 6 months. 3 seconds won't take me long...
Lastly, are matters of the heart... I think my close group of friends will know who she is judging from the title. The one she seems to refer to as "刻心" and whom I refer to as "刻心". After a few failed relationships, particularly the one which she had to play a role to help me get out of it. I really have no confidence in it anymore. I didn't mean to be "dao" towards her almost all the time, especially last night at the Marina Square Arcade. I was at a game of Initial D against Marcus, until he had to point her out to me. I got affected; I just cannot focus on the game anymore. My mind just floats to her, I can't seem to get my basic techniques right. I just wanted to go up to say "Hi", which she blamed me for not doing so. But I'm afraid... I'm afraid I'll just let fly of my innermost emotions. After the game, I wanted to go up to her to talk to her, but I saw her with her group of friends, a guy to be precise... and I held back then. I lost that game by a big margin, a typical insult to my ability and I snapped... Maybe she's right about the remark that I hate losing, but she doesn't see this game the way I see it. Marcus plays it recreationally, I'm playing it competitively... I have a reputation to upkeep and hold, especially in front of my other group of friends who are also in the competitive scene. It's not only my own, but also of my Team whom I'm with. I agree winning and losing is part and parcel of games, but I don't want people to doubt my ability. The manner which I lost by, it seriously underlines I suck there, which is not true. I dispute the remark she made about car racing being more important, to be honest.... I'm willing to give it all up just for her. It's important to me because only through ID, I can regain lost and wounded pride. But if I can find my sanctuary, I'll give up touching the ID Arcade Stage Machine for the rest of my life, and even destroying the cars that I have painstakedly built up, and leave F.R.E.E. right this moment.
"Memories are meant to be sweet, not bitter... If it is meant to be, I'll probably slap you everytime I see you..." They are meant to be sweet... and it's because they are sweet, that's what upsets me... why can't the sweet times be relived again? (An uncanny resemblence to Marcus' problem...) I'll gladly let her slap me every minute if I can just be with her with those sweet memories. True that I screwed up one too many years ago when I was courting her... but why do I screw up? As we all know, love defies rationality, logic... That's not an excuse to cover up, but if there is someone who can make my heart beat faster in anticipation to meet her, it is only her.
At dbl O last night, I tried to down all the upsetting things in life with Tequila shots, Long Island Tea... I even wanted to throw in a Lambourghini to the mix, but I decided not to as I'll end up sabotaging Marcus and Jinrong who I think have their hands full looking after Jolin and Angeline... I got tipsy... but my mind was still on her... She messaged me... "Are you drunk?" but to me, drunk or not drunk... I still feel for her...
I know where I stand, and I know I may not be good enough for her given my notorious record of screwing up. She wants chemistry, she wants romance... she's upset over relationship matters... looking for somebody to mend her "broken wings"... Can't I be the one?? I'm a lousy repairman who's clumsy and rough, but I want to try mending her "broken wings". She wants somebody whom she can think about marriage with... I just need 1 year to complete my studies and get a job... I am able to do it... I am willing to do it... I want to grow old with her... but maybe it's all wishful thinking on my part.
It's not that I don't wanna contact her until she contacts me, but I don't know if it's right thing to do... to let her know how I truly feel again... but I am afraid what happened 2 years ago when I was courting her will come back... and I will get squeezed out of the picture again... If she's happily in a relationship with somebody else, I rest my case... but if she's single and lonely, why not me?? I feel a lot for her, enough for me to go courting her again... but should I? I need an answer...
- Phil -
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