I think I'm plunging into a serious crisis in my life again... everything in my life seems so unstable... my health, my social life, my private life, my gaming life...
It's already my 3rd week working at Petredec Limited. I enjoyed my time there, and learnt many things along the way... and with my bosses and mentors taking real good care of me, I was able to enjoy and focus on my work. Although I still make some errors in the data entry bit, I learn from them as I go along... I want to do my best for them..
Next up is floorball... I think I cannot fit into the team anymore. The 2 friendlies that I played as a goalkeeper... 1 against Bukit Merah Sec and the other against SP... I felt I could have done better against Bukit Merah Sec... as I conceded 3 goals in just 1 period... I take full responsibility for the 1st goal... but overall I felt that I was not getting enough defensive support for the subsequent goals, even though I could have done better with the other 2 as well... For the SP game... I played in 2 periods... the 1st period I conceded 2 goals... both were well taken goals and maybe I could have done better with those 2 goals as well but it's the 3 goals conceded in the 3rd period that made my blood boil... Those 3 should never have been conceded... all 3 times I was left exposed big time... a lot of fundamental errors... Maybe it's just a friendly to me, but I played with my heart on my sleeve... I gave in everything I got for the game... if the team cannot accept me playing with feeling and emotions then I guess I'll leave the team. I know my temperament and attitude needs some working on, but what some of the teammates said after the Saturday match against SP hurt me a lot... to be honest, I am very unmotivated to play for them again... and maybe Ill decide to pack up and leave the game that I held some unforgettable memories for... and the only game that which I wept for...
Next up will be F.R.E.E. ... We lost our 1st 2 games against Yong Kiat's Rotary Knights and Jin Long's Project Dynamic... which was expected as they're more for experience building and experimentation, but the upcoming game this Saturday is against TRF... there is a lot at stake for this game as the opponents we face are not those who play legitimately, thus we want to score a win over them to prove our point... Our big disadvantage would be the car types used for the game in which we're confined to the use of Rotary Engine Cars.. but I think we're able to evenly match them up in the game... I may be suffering from a dip in form, but I'll bounce back in time... with help from Yong Kiat and Jin Long's teams...
Lastly, it's a lot about my social life... I think I'm being unstable in emotions... I've noticed myself becoming very critical of myself and pushing myself very hard to achieve my goals, thus when things don't go my way, I tend to lose my composure and temperament.... I was never like this before, but I'm desperate to perform and improve... I've also started to shun away from gals in general... no more the cheesy pick-them-up style... not even thinking of any gal in mind... (and trying hard to move on... I still think of Yimei every now and then, I don't know why... and wonder how she's coping with Police Training...maybe I miss her? I don't know...) My family's starting to feel the change in my temper... that I can become very aggressive and volatile with the slightest provocation... Maybe I should go for anger management classes, or maybe take up Yoga as Azman has suggested...
I just need a lot of help and encouragement... I feel so alone... maybe that is the way I want it, but maybe it's not getting the results that I seek...
- Phil -
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