Will a break help a broke and broken man? I suppose is a "no"...
Not been a good week, even though the week's been interrupted by holidays in Deepavali and Hari Raya...
Firstly, I got into a car accident whilst doing a 3 point turn and scrapping the rear bumper of the car... setting me back close to 150 bucks for spray paint repairs. That kinda left me broke for the coming days... Thanks to Jinrong for trying to help me out financially, but I think I'll try to find a way out of this. From this incident, I also saw a different side to a person whom I cherish a lot... to be honest, I was upset and disappointed... but I shall not dwell in this...
Next is my Study Loan, no news as yet... I hope it isn't rejected again... I'll face a lot of problems to continue schooling if this application gets rejected again... as I have already busted quite a few deadlines for payments...
Though there were some nice times, like Zouk on the Night before the Hari Raya... It was very happening and packed, getting to club along my close buddies like Jinrong and Marcus, and being with friends like Jean, Cindy and Fernie... It was all fun all night... as well as the drinking session the Friday before... never felt so high on drinks before... never felt so relieved from troubles before...
As well as the down times when I have to resort to using a punching machine in the games arcade to help ease my tensions... and frustrations...
I don't know, but personally I think I'm seeing my life spiral out of control. Even as I'm typing this, I overheard my mum talking to my dad about taking me to a psychiatrist... Am I nuts?? Maybe I am...
I'm now somebody who gets agitated easily... somebody who is overly sensitive, somebody who is panaroid, somebody who takes minor issues very seriously... I don't think I just need anger management classes, I may need more than that... And in this period of time when I'm in such a state, where are my siblings? So far, Marcus and Jinrong are around for me... and I really appreciated their presence during my lows... but it also speaks a lot about my siblings, the very 2 who shares the same bloodline as me...
I have no intention to verbally bash my siblings here... but it somehow makes me begin to rethink my worth to the family. The pressure in me is enormous... and sometimes I do feel suicidal in a bid to get out of it.... is the much dreaded depression coming back again???
Even in F.R.E.E., I'm beginning to question my worth to the Team, and that is partially the reason why I have decided to relinquish my leadership next month. But then again, F.R.E.E. is probably the only positive yet tangible thing that I have made all possible for the entire 2005. IDAS may probably be my only solace from pressures and harsh realities of life... by giving up IDAS, I hope I'm not contributing to my own downfall...
Now you know the reasons why I'm not looking... I am personally a problem laden man... and I absolutely hate to make my problem other people's problems (Marcus and Jinrong can testify to that..). This is what I define as... not ready... I feel it is absolutely unfair for the other party to inherit my problems when she has her own problems... And given that my problem is potentially dangerous and long term... I suppose I'll stay single for a long time to come...
- Phil -
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home