Feeling very lousy, feeling very worthless, feeling very down...
Took a lot of flak at work for not handling the Bank reconciliations well. I'm beginning to question my ability and worth. Come to think of it, maybe I should reconsider my decision to join them as a permanent staff next month. I feel I am not up to the job.
Now that I look back, I guess I'm truly an underachiever... more often or not the "so near yet so far" guy... in NS, I was a month away from the Commissioning Parade when I got my demotion to a specialist. My undergraduate studies was called to a halt when I decided to quit SIM late last year, when I am a year away from graduation. In my relationship life as well... I was so close to be with the someone I want to be with until fate decreed otherwise and ended up regretting.
I just don't understand why I'm being made fun of by my close friends all the time, being "the butt of jokes, not mature and a poor listener". I do think weirdly and differently from the average person. I think a lot, sometimes that it goes haywire... but I am not being taken seriously. Many a time, what I said are brushed off as thrash and rubbish. I just feel worthless... a loser...
I'm nowhere near my friends, who have good jobs, nice friendships, good relationships, great families... I don't want to compare, but I feel inferior to everybody else.
Even in Initial D Arcade Stage, I'm beginning to feel that I'm past my best... I don't see myself playing to my true potential anymore. I feel saturated and maybe it's the right time for me to call my gaming life a day, in a bid to silence the critics of me being immature and partially to edge a wee bit closer at "being closer to my sunshine".
Marcus has found his sunshine, so does Boon Heng... Ronny has found his Venus. And me? A "young punk" who is immature, poor listener and being the butt of jokes".
To the people who know me, just leave me be... you guys made a mistake knowing my existence... I do hope this mistake is your last ever mistake in your lives.
- Phil -
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