Maybe that is true alright. You know... I haven't been blogging here for quite a while (Fine... a LONG while..) But that was because I have a busy working life to maintain, as well as my role as a fledging guildie of JR, Jean and Daniel's World of Warcraft Prevalence guild, grinding my little gnome warlock to Level 60. Other than that, my personal life has been satisfactory, with highs and lows... but in both of them, my "big brother" JR has been around for me. For this, I thank him.
But there are some things that sticks out as a sore thumb in my otherwise hectic life. One is my education; whether to rough it out and complete my final year, or to give it up and go for the ACCA instead. I've received a letter from UOL and I'll be thinking it through. Most probably I'll be enquiring with Stansfield and TMC about the possibility of continuing my education with them as I will stand by my decision NOT to return to SIM. If either 1 of the schools decide to accept me in, then I'll probably finish up the degree at my own pace.
The other is with regards to a certain lady whom I have never given up hope on. JR and Marcus have criticised me for being extremist with regards to this, but there are things which I really cannot understand and cannot come to terms with.
1) What is it about me that I am inferior to a junior police officer?
2) Am I holding on to unrealistic hopes?
3) Are my actions too extremist that it becomes bothersome and even irksome?
Sometimes, I don't understand why I am doing certain irrational things for. I'm usually rational in my thinking and analyses things fairly decent, but when it comes into this... it becomes a sticky point.
I know very well myself that I am no longer the same Phil people knew me before my undergrad days. I carried a cocky aura, had a lot of ego, arrogant and brash... but all these ended at that juncture in my life when I contemplated suicide. That once, I felt totally destroyed, helpless... I'm still trying to get back on my feet. Finally my life is back in order (almost)... studies are gone, but I have a stable job which I am happy working in, a great and caring "big brother" found in JR... great friends like Jean and Daniel, as well as my Team-mates in FREE and Prevalance... Slowly, my life is built back up. But probably I turned into somebody afraid of failure, and will go to all means to fight against the odds. I find failures difficult to take and I get serious and cold just to avoid failures or to prove my critics wrong.
Romance probably is my biggest hurdle here. I am afraid to go into a relationship; I fear commitment, hurt, failure... because I felt all 3 in the most cruel way 2 years ago. I find myself distrusting gals in relationships... with the exception of 1... but I guess this is very much wishful thinking on my own part.
I feel hurt, upset... but I guess this is my own undoing, and I accept the results of my own wishful thinking. Just feel like crying now, and probably I'll go to sleep after that on my wet pillow and wake up a few hours later for work.
I expect Marcus to get 1st hand info from her with regards to this. Marcus... this is a warning... mention a breath about this to anybody else or me and that's it.
- Phil -
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